dear ahmad,

i dont know how to proceed with you.we have been the best of friends since 2005.i remember each and every year ever since.you were there for me when i was down.but never did i remember being there for you when it was your turn.so is that my fault now tat i don't know nuts about you.

2005 was the year we met.i hardly knew you.but the thing that touched me was when no one remembered it was my birthday and you gave me a present.giving me the present was not the main criteria of me choosing you as my bestie but it was that you remembered enough to pop out some quick cash to buy it.of course my other friends apologised and i have since forgot as much as i could about that incident.we were partners when it was seat assignment.haha.i remembered you hiding your freaking small body behind the chair and sat next to me just so you could skip out from seating in front.

i gave you a birthday present that year too,but i finally finished repayment march of next year.credit this into accrued expense.haha.so 2006,you tried to leave izzati with me so we could end the feud we had for four freaking long months due to a stupid incident which i was the petty party.that was nice.we even had bets attaining to 2 dollars on account if one of the other insulted each other.you calling me G and i calling you P(which did not quite work for you were growing by the day.pfft.puberty.what it does for guys and what it doesn't do for girls)we teased each other,saying the other's shoe was freaking lame.New Era?haha.so when i changed shoe,i laughed in your face.we parted off at the end of the year with promises to not forget each other.or so it thought.

2007 was kind of miserable for me because i did not have you or izzati or noridah in class.i would always look across the classroom and see you and izzati having fun along the same block.and i always felt left out.the only times we were together was during malay lessons.that too was kind of suckish to me because there were the 6Js.the concept of 6Js amused me and i thought it was just a stupid "clan".so what?you were calling yourself brothers for life and what not.it matured you alright.from a fuggly boy(pardon me) to a quite respectably hot guy.that year,my birthday sucked alot.and i told izzati who told you.you asked me what happened the next day.and our(mostly mine) tearful conversation kept getting interupted by your "leader".he wanted to ask you for the group date 6Js were going to have.you were going to be paired off with sharizan.and i kept thinking,why can't he just wait until we finished talking before he asked you out.and being "loyal" that you were to 6Js,you kept breaking off our conversations to talk to them.and i got a little fed up.thanks a lot.i know how you feel when you have to divide time with your "new" classmates and the "old" ones.but i sort of felt this wall i have to face you when talking to you in front of 6Js.you say i was prancing around like a "wannabe cute" girl and i should stop talking like that because 6Js don't like it.but that was me.i can't change myself because you felt embarrassed by my actions.putting me in that situation always gets me feeling off.i feel upset and uncomfortable and i keep quiet.i hated malay lessons eversince.it's a now onder my results fell steadily.my malay teacher hates the geek class and doesn't try to include them in her conversations.haha.how freaking silly i felt after hearing all those conversations she had with 6Js and their feelings.i hate teachers who show favouratism(spel?).the fun things were about "mary" and "jane".and going home with you after cca.i'll wait for you to finish soccer practices after my choir and we'd go home and strategise and plan and everything.i really liked those parts.

2008.year of the Os.study,mug and concentrate.had study sessions after school which we didn't do much but eat burger and drank cold milo.it was this year that you started contacting with "jenny" after she hurt herself.you were pissed off with the guy who dropped the shutter on her.so it was true then.you really liked her.you panicked when she started trying to find out who was contacting her.and got me to try to stop her attempts.sat for Os.

2009,this year.you were MIA and barely contacted.it was only the new year message i got,that showed me the old you that i knew.the new one?i don't know him.you were my on and off bestfriend.either here or not.we set up many dates.did not go through.except one.we watched a chick flick which you claimed was crap.haha.true,guys don't like chick flicks.then the last time i saw you was on izzati's party.that too was so hard to organise.i suck at organising.i give up every time a problem crops up.i turned to syamsi because you weren;t there to pick up my calls or reply my sms.that night was for finalisation.every one was go.i changed the date because only you can't make it.i wanted my bestfriends all to be present on that day.i was devastated(this was too small a feeling for me at that time).i called syamsi and cried to him.and he told me he'd rectify the matter.and true enough he did.but i couldn't sleep that night after our "first fight".i didn't want you to feel forced.i just wanted everyone to be happy.so the party came and went.at the party i could feel this "tension" between the both of you.i felt it was my fault that neither both of you enjoyed the party that much.but maybe it was just me.so after the party,we parted ways.went to different polys and got new friends.tried meeting you but only succeeded once.that was the last i saw of you.we smsed each other.but it was always me initiating contact.why?we had jokes.we had fun.but we never met.

the thing with today was heartbreaking.i asked if you could spare me a little of your time for me to see you and to know you're fine.i only get to know you through izzati and that too is little bits and pieces of information gathered over time.so why did she have to bear the burden of your dislike for letting the bit about your lost laptop off to me?not only do i get information secondhand,i get to be the guilty one for making my bestfriends angry with each other.i don't want to play this game anymore.im sick.i cry everytime i think of this.and its usually during those red light months.

my main purpose isnt to make you feel angry and cheated i blogged about this.its just for me to rant out stuff in my heart.there were good times too.i remember laughing at you at the carpark of causeway point when we all were eating chocolate fudge cake and izzati and me were communicating in Instant Messaging.there came a part of IDK,and you spelled out I D-E-C-A-Y?and that was so funny i doubled out laughing.and then there was the time you just came back from work and was on the train.we agreed(actually it was just me) to wave at each other as you passed my block.i saw you on the train in the yellow polo tee and waved like a maniac.and then we called each other ang giggled like crazy.

i miss you like hell.i seriously do.i may sound like a love sick fool but im not.im just a "concerned" friend if oyu would have it.maybe after all this,im just paranoid about friendship.youv'e been there for me when izzati and i fell out.we never had major fights because you refuse to let me stalk off and sulk.now im asking you would you please forget my mistakes and can we start on a brand new page?im tired.seriously.

im crossing my fingers and trying to cross my toes too just to hope it works.this whole thing sucks.

its touching isn't it?writing like this.boy,i hope someone shed tears over these because i think i just flooded my room with my tears.i think after i finish my homeworks,im gonna do some serious deep welling in my bed.

on a side note,i really wish syamsi a good health very soon.take care dear best friend.get up soon and maybe i'll let you punch me and curse me.